A few days ago I received an email from Man Crates Gifts for Men with the question what things I would like to have if I find myself stuck in a horror movie. Quite an interesting question actually, since we've seen tons of objects fail at the moment of truth.
Man Crates Gifts for Men is an American company who create unique gifts. Manly gifts this is. The items turn up in a crate with a crowbar, meaning you'll have to delve into that gift in the most manly way possible. They even have a Zombie Apocalypse survival crate, you might want to check that out, might come in handy someday.
The first thing that came to mind is a chainsaw. It's definitely the most badass object for every kind of creature you might encounter. But wait... don't these things fail often as well? In Evil Dead they were lucky enough that the chainsaw worked in time, but there are plenty movies where the chainsaw couldn't start. Leatherface never seemed to have this problem, but hey, not everybody was raised like him. Now I think of it, even after Chucky's arms were cut off he managed to crawl to Andy. So nope, no chainsaw after all.
The thing you would need in a survival kit depends on the creature you encounter, a stake for a vampire, a crucifix for the possessed person around, some extra limbs when you end up in Hostel and perhaps a nice samurai sword when you end up being in a zombie apocalypse.
Here's what I really would like to have to survive a horror movie:
1. The best flashlight ever made, with infinite batteries and stuff.
Every goddamn horror movie the flashlight fails at the most important moment. When you're heading to the basement because you heard a sound, or when you're going to the woods because your little brother escaped again. I would like a badass flashlight, who will not fail on me when I need it the most. Not even the flickering so I have to slap it a few times so it will work again.
2. An amazingly armored truck
Not just an armored truck though, of course I will need one that will start when I say it should start. Not the bullshit with keys being dropped to the ground, that won't happen to me. It would be amazing as well if it was driven by sun energy or something, so no gas stops. This thing is indestructible!
3. A samurai sword
I mentioned it earlier already, but I think this one is a keeper. It's silent, doesn't need any reloading and it's easy to take with you. A bonus: you look frickin' badass.
4. Forrest Gump's running legs
If my armored truck fails (of course it wouldn't, but if) I would like to be able to run for my life. A pair of Forrest Gump's legs might save my life.
5. Some guts
What's most helpful in a horror movie is being fearless. Even when your group decides to split up you know you're the fearless one and nothing can stop you! Also, being fearless might stop you from screaming for help, or screaming at all. Screaming might betray your position or it may cause that the creepy doll lady takes your tongue.
6. An emergency kit for when all above fails
This emergency kit is of course to become a bad guy, because they never die. Even when they die, they're being resurrected in the sequel. So you always win. Here's what in it:
- A mask (hockey or a face of another). This is of course to hide your face and to make you look scary.
- A weapon (machete, chainsaw, a knife of choice). To attack the attacker.
- Duct tape. This is to cover your own mouth, because bad guys don't speak, at all.
- When the duct tape isn't an option, some humor (a joke book). Because they don't speak at all, or they're jokers.
- Armor, to make you pretty much invincible.
My survival kit might be a bit unrealistic, but I think this might be the only way I survive this horror movie.
I hope you enjoyed this post and please let me know what you will like to have in your Horror Survival Crate?!